Sunday, January 29, 2012

"It's so simple!"

This is an excerpt from a conversation with B. I was glad to talk with him, because, like many people in recovery, he had already found limits to self and self-will. This process is a further subtraction of self-concept from life. 


We can do more searching if you like. Ask more questions. It's been the pattern for a long time. Patterns take some time to unwind. As they say in a certain program "it took you years to get in this mess, it's going to take a little time to clean up." Different times, for most. Some people blow it all out immediately and are left without a sense of self at all, I have not met one of those. Seem rare. 
This was even quieter for me. A few days of intense focus and then a "huh?' look at that." Just, saw. Took a couple of days after wandering around saying huh :-) and having moments of intense clarity. Then other things happened, like they do. 
This process is to lead us to seeing through the illusion of the separate self. 
I think you now see how a self puts itself together.
When you have a day or two of living this, could you sit down and write a summary of how that was?
What's life like, knowing that the self is a construct? 

I'll pass that on and ask a friend to invite you to an online group of people who are past this threshold, and embarking on the clean-up, or joy dance, or gratitude. Sounds familiar, probably. 
Much love, B. I look forward to hearing about this day.

Yes Elizabeth, I am in the intense focus phase. Almost just like you are describing.... moments of clarity....simpleness... then "huh? " I do see how a self is constructed. Its the next part, the illusion part that is waffling. It comes and goes. 
Excellent idea for me to live with this for a day or two and see what shakes out. Was going to ask about that. If I get stuck I will come back in the interim and ask. Your work with me is appreciated. Will be back...

I see!!!!!
It is so simple. I was making it so so hard.
Like everyone else.... Its all we knew how to do.


I'm reading and looking and asking and looking hard... is it (the key to truly seeing the illusion) under this rock?.... look over there...where is it?.....its got to be there somewhere... all the rest of them found it....
can't find the damn key.... until my head hurt..literally. 
Its like I had put the key in and turned it but the lock was stuck. Come on lock.... OPEN!

then a little later in the day. 
Taking the dog for a walk and looking at things and just being, just walking....
The voice in the head started muttering about something...
It started to say, "I" .... and then it hit me. Wait... That "I" is just a thought.... OH MY GOD.... Its just a thought.
Just a thought.... not real. Just a thought!!!! Not real! where is it? where is this I? Is it real? Can I find?
I can't...

What is real?
If it can be felt seen heard tasted smelt.....its real. If it comes up in a thought...
not necessarily real!!!!! OH MY this is so very right in front of our noses.
So very much in front of THIS nose.... but wasn't seen..

It is now.
There is no I. not now, not yesterday, not ever. 
All just a big fat thought in the head. A huge one. A smothering one. 
We've all bought into it. I bought into it. 

No I. There's just whats going on. 
How simple. How clear. How easy once "I" got out of the way.
More to come. Off to work soon. 

Elizabeth - Thank you so very very much!
And all others on here....posters, liberators, all.
I've read most of your dialogues. Thank you!

You are very welcome! The people who put in all the work on the front and back end of this forum, thank you, also. 
Looking forward to your next post.

"What is an I, if you were trying to explain it to someone who needed to know?"

An I is a figment of almost every living human’s imaginataion. It’s the core of what we refer to when we say I, me, mine, myself… At a very young age, you start to know your name and then comes the sure process of identification with this image of yourself as an I. That’s me you tell yourself, this is MY stuff, MY face, body, family, life……….Look in the mirror, that’s me. The stories start and the I is at the very center of every one. I did this, I did that. I know this or that. Everything that comes into contact with the I sticks to it. Good and bad.
The I likes it or hates it and every shade inbetween. The I is almost never satisfied. It gets what it thinks it wants, and then something else is wanted. The I is deeply afraid it won’t be someday and is continuously concocting schemes to protect itself and also how to get what it wants or at least what it thinks will ease the underlying suffering of separation it feels. It doesn’t know that it is feeling separation…..Just a deep knowing that something is missing. Not whole. Theres no end to it. Even though you can’t find an I anywhere in reality, this assumption is unquestioned by the world. 

What I have learned is that the I is truly only a thought. It is an illusion. A superb illusion. This I can be searched for but not found in the real world. To find it is a very subtle process that can be seen by almost anyone with the right patience and pointers. Its like it was there all the time right out in the open but almost impossible to see. When the seeing happens, clarity starts.

"What is it like now, is it any different? When you have a day or two of living this, could you sit down and write a summary of how that was? What's life like, knowing that the self is a construct?"

The last two days at work have been an absolute joy. The heart is open. I have talked to more people and had genuine conversation with them, looked them all in the eyes, and felt connected, than in a long long time. Its like whatever fear I had is gone. Fear of rejection… fear of disapproval…. Who cares? Not “I”. There is truly no self to be afraid or hurt. 

The fear being gone is what I’m noticing….. Another example: B. had big fear of being broke… not having enough money….(even though I really do) always I thought (key word thought) I had to get the very best deal on everything I buy. Why? Fear. So I would turn this whole thing into “Bill is the best deal finder” to puff up my ego…. To really compensate for the fear I was feeling... I saw this pattern in all its glory yesterday. Wow! 

That’s a beautiful thing to see the stuff that runs you…then there’s a choice. 

So something came up where I had to buy something (car mirror) and I started into my ‘look on ebay for the best… and then check over there….’ Then I just stopped. What am I afraid of? There is no self to be afraid of anything. I guess nothing then. Bought the damn thing full price at the dealer and got it out of the way. That’s big for me. No matter how much spiritual stuff I had read studied in the past, lack has always been a big one for me. No real anger for a long time….. a few small disturbances, but quickly let go of. My heart being open is similar to the times I would do the backup team on the seminars I had mentioned. I would feel an opening up during and right after….then slowly but surely the heart would close up for protection from daily life……It is very open right now. And peaceful. 

Now I know what Tolle means when he says that joy is vibrantly alive peace..... That's whats been going on for me lately, just this deep feeling that all is OK as it is and I do not have to do anything... And then I find a big smile...And then gratitude.... and not in response to anything specific.... just being. I am waking up every day with this feeling... and it is actually vibrant. I have never felt anything like this before other than momentarily. It is amazing.

It was very interesting to see what would happen with all of this while going to the funeral. This was my first real venture outside the comfort of home and work since I saw the illusion the other day. The funeral was for my wife's cousin, she was a little older than my wife, she died of lung cancer but had never smoked in her life! I had only met her a handful of times so did not know her well. What I did get was that she was a very kind and accepting person....that's what I remember of her. The service was christian and I did my best to bear with it as I have a completely different interpretation of what Jesus said than the Christian church does. It was difficult to find a lot that was real in what they were saying... But it was OK as it was. As the funeral service got going they started to play some music and I don't even remember what it was... something country.... and the singer's evocative voice came out and just shook me to the core. Wow! Tears of sadness, joy... my wife was surprised. So was I. Thought a lot about who dies.. What or who is it that really dies? Not life. Life goes on. All is OK. 

Noticed when I was driving up and back (250 miles) I didn't bitch anyone out! (Well maybe just one :) 
Anyway, there is more acceptance of what is. Everywhere. A lot more. There is no I to be hurt. There is no reason to get upset over anything and especially the little stuff. And its truly all little stuff. 
The other things that happened on the trip turned into eventually a comedy of errors. First the wife left her purse at a restaurant.... we got it back. Whew! Then I lost our cell phone ....didn't get it back! Bummer. The car which is usually flawless had an idiot light come on when we were halfway home... didn't know for sure if we were going to get home. We did. This kind of crap would have normally sucked my attention in and I would have owned it and that is all I would have been thinking about. Especially losing the cell phone. I would have beat myself up over that for a week. Well I thought about it, and was able to fairly quickly let go of it and I think me doing that helped my wife let go of it too. It is just a cell phone, just a car...just a little ripples on the surface... 
The ocean is unperturbed. There is a depth of peace that I haven't known before.. 
This is all just life... doing as life does.  B. has no control of it. Wife also noticed how well we were getting along and no real fighting! 

I notice that the sense of self is still here... diminished... but then I also know that its an illusion and in reality it is not really here. Never has been here. There's only the illusion of a self. This is kind of a paradox. I had bought into it hook line and sinker like the rest of mankind. Liberation is a good term for this. There is no I. There is just what is in front of me right now and that is what is true. 
Thoughts are thoughts and are real but not necessarily indicative of what is true. I'm not taking my thoughts as seriously as I have in the past. There are alot of times they are not to be believed. Noticed a few times some doubt came in.... this was allowed to be and it passed.

Several days ago I didn't think I was ready... but I do now. What is the next step?

I never know what the next step is for a free person :-) but B. chose to guide others on the Liberation Unleashed forum, and is doing so now.
Love to you, dear reader.  

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