So, a few weeks after seeing through the illusion of self—for real, not just as a high level
concept anymore—a notice came from the IRS of an income tax audit. For anyone not in the US—
the Internal Revenue Service has been a boogeyman for me and most folks here. It’s a
huge, dark, sticky thought form.
The initial experience was FEAR—total body contraction FEAR.
I couldn’t even actually read the letter for a period of time.
Then came a barrage of images & stories from the real & imagined past:
Linda getting caught for shoplifting in 6th grade; Linda being sent to principal’s office in
grade school; Linda caught cheating… you get the drift.
Next came the onslaught of projections of humiliation & misfortune: Linda inadequately justifying her existence, Linda exposed as a fraud & cheat, Linda undergoing years & years of tax audits, Linda destitute…
Now the interesting part-- the thoughts arose, “who is afraid here?” , “who is this happening
to?” And then the experience of dropping into calm awareness, right here, right now. The
words aren’t right, but the fear was gone.
I’d love to say that it has not resurrected itself, but not so.
That night I woke up around 2 am experiencing fear throughout the body. The questions
came again, and fear remained. Awareness of contraction, awareness of stories, awareness
of the space these things were happening in.
It seemed like two levels of experience, I suspect it was a flipping back & forth, from identification with self, to remembering no-self, or from TIME to PRESENT AWARENESS.
This lasted for about 2 hours, then the fear faded out & I slept. This process re-occurred several times for shorter duration in the last 2 weeks—a snag with the tax process is hit & the story RESURRECTS ITSELF.
What I notice is that the story of ME arises, beckons, and there is following or attachment for some
period of time. Then not. This must be the unwinding that is talked about--all the pictures
& stories that have been claimed as ME needing to give it another shot. Are you THIS? What
about THAT? It reminds me of the saying: ”the devil knows not for whom he works”.
Each story involves time, the past or future. There isn’t the active “letting go” of story that was
always the quest of the seeking ME, more like a relaxation, but even that word conveys too
much effort. Life lifing, to quote Elena. Come on, fear; come on stories; come on LIFE.
What a trip.
Laughter & gratitude.